remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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