Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Randomize
