Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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