Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
