You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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