I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
