I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
