My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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