She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
