trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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