dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
