I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
