That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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