According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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