I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
