She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
