There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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