I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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