yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
