you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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