Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
