I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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