She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
