just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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