I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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