so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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