dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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