chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
