This girl is more easily done than said...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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