i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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