I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
