yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
She said her name was "party"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
