I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
