Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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