so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
