Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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