fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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