Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
