I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
