who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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