I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
