I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
