I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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