I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
