I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize