i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
