if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize