is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
