i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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