Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
