im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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