hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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