drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
