My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
