I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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