is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
